© Qusai Ahmed
In many societies around the world, marriage is the most celebrated milestone, often more so than graduating from school or university, building a successful career, or even acquiring wealth. This holds especially true in Sudanese society, where marriage and the accompanying wedding celebrations play a major role in an individual’s life.
Sudanese society often see marriage as an accomplishment. However, getting married is not an achievement — staying married, and staying happily married, is. Many people marry, often due to family and societal pressure, not putting enough thought to who they are marrying. Young men and women are constantly urged to get married, yet are rarely given the necessary guidance and advice on how to choose the right partner. For some, the wedding celebration becomes more important than the life that follows. Rather than providing meaningful advice, society tends to simply hope for the best. Even when couples choose their own partners, guidance remains essential. If we stop celebrating marriage as an achievement and instead focus on how to choose a life partner and build a lasting marriage, we can foster a happier, healthier and more functional society.
I, although now married, can attest to this truth. Before getting married, I felt that pressure deeply. Although marriage was something I genuinely desired, as many young girls do, what I truly yearned for was guidance. Even now, I continue to seek it through watching, reading, and learning about relationships, and even through therapy.
In essence, marriage is a fundamental, biological union between a man and woman, often seen as the basis for procreation and family. Although some view marriage as an institution, and a social and legal construct, it is based on human kind’s natural inclination and biological drive to form pair bonds and reproduce. Many religions recognise marriage as essential part of one’s life and even a religious duty. In Islam, marriage, known as nikah, is a legal (based on Shari’a or Islamic law) and social contract between a man and a woman. It is considered a sacred act of worship and the foundation for family life, and fulfils half of one’s religious obligations.
Regardless of religion or culture, marriage is a choice — a choice billions of people around the world have made and continue to make, throughout history. It’s also a decision that many individuals and societies take seriously, as choosing a life partner can profoundly shape one’s life, whether positively or negatively.
As marriage and the choices surrounding it are personal, some may not have found the right partner, or may lack the means or ability to marry. In other cases, individuals may simply choose not to marry. Such decisions are often discouraged in societies and cultures like Sudan’s. Those who do not marry are often looked down upon by society and are constantly reminded of their single or unmarried status, leaving them feeling lonely, unaccomplished, unworthy, or like a disappointment to theirselves and those around them. This stigma is more heavily placed on women than men. Many girls grow up feeling as though they were born to be married, largely due to constant societal pressure. In Sudan, a woman who has not married at a young age or never marries is labeled as “bayra,” a problematic term that carries a negative connotation, and contributes to the social alienation of unmarried women and diminishes their worth. As a result, many girls, driven by this pressure and the fear of being called “bayra,” rush into marriages they later come to regret.
For those seeking marriage, cultural, social, and familial pressures often influence their choice, which can potentially result in misguided advice or expectations with long-lasting consequences. This is especially true in Sudan and other Arab societies, where family preferences around factors such as wealth, family name, occupation, tribe, or skin colour can heavily influence the decision — sometimes more than an individual’s own preferences, values or feelings. This is based on Islam’s guidelines for choosing a partner, which is guided by principles that balance individual agency with family input and guardian consent. However, individuals have the right to choose their partner and cannot be forced into unwanted marriages. Islam emphasizes that a marriage is valid only with the consent of both individuals.
Choosing a life partner involves carefully considering various factors. According to relationship experts and therapists, key factors to consider when choosing a life partner include shared values and beliefs, communication styles, emotional maturity, and the ability to support each other’s growth. Equally important is being self-aware and knowing who you are, and understanding what you want and need in a partner as well as a marriage.
In Muslim-majority countries such as Sudan, religion plays a significant role in marriage. In Islam, key factors to consider when choosing a life partner are straightforward and simple — seek a righteous spouse with religious commitment and good character. Religious commitment is the foremost priority, while other qualities such as beauty, wealth, social status, and lineage are considered secondary or complementary. This is described in a hadith – sayings, actions, and approvals of the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) — in which the Prophet said, “with whose religious commitment and good character you are pleased… If there are other (good qualities) as well as religious commitment, that is good, otherwise religious commitment is the greatest of qualities to be sought.” However, many Muslim societies seek and require more when seeking a spouse.
Family and societal pressure to marry — or to choose a spouse based on familial or societal preferences and expectations — can lead to making the wrong choice, resulting in an unhappy marriage and, ultimately, divorce. While it is gradually becoming more socially accepted, divorce is still frowned upon in Sudan and often viewed as a failure. Some couples choose stay in unhappy marriages just to avoid the stigma associated with divorce, particularly women. In Sudan, the divorce rate is relatively low compared to many other countries. It is reported to be 1.5 per 1,000 people, which places Sudan 67th globally in terms of divorce rates.
Even couples who think they chose the right partner because they married for love may part ways if the relationship lacks effort and growth. Staying married requires daily commitment – doing the work every single day – with both partners putting equal effort, ensuring the relationship grows, blossoms, and, ultimately, lasts. Each person should find happiness, fulfillment, and personal growth in the other and within the marriage itself. That is the true achievement. An even greater achievement is the fruit of a strong, healthy marriage: happy, well-adjusted and successful children who positively contribute to society. This can also apply to the couple – supporting one another to become successful, kind, and responsible individuals who make a difference in their communities. Sayings like “happy wife, happy life,” “behind every successful man is a woman” and “happy is the man who finds a true friend, and far happier is he who finds that true friend in his wife” may sound lighthearted, but they reflect a deeper truth: a partner’s happiness and success is often intertwined with the support and love of their spouse.
The foundation of a strong, healthy society is rooted in strong, healthy families, and it all begins with strong, healthy marriages.
Ola Diab is the new founder and editor of 500 Words Magazine, and the deputy editor of Marhaba Information Guide, Qatar’s premier information guide. Based in Qatar, the Sudanese journalist graduated from Northwestern University in Qatar (NU-Q) in 2012 with a Bachelor of Science in Journalism and has since built a successful career in the print and digital media industry in Qatar. Find her on X (formerly Twitter) @therealoladiab or on LinkedIn.
